cigarettes, culture and butter

2006-05-16T22:37:00.000-04:00

forehead

2005-01-09T17:35:00.000-05:00

A**hole Americans Take on Europe…Again

When looking back on my time in London, where I helped pitch an advertising campaign to Walkers (the winning team invented these), I remember fondly one particular day where my colleagues and I got up at 8 in the morning to go to Bar Umbro to watch England play in a World Cup match. Wearing Union Jack bandannas and showing up early, about 15 of us got the best seats in the house, directly in front of the big screen. Then we got really drunk off Stella, loud and stupid. Needless to say, we were being typical Americans and the locals weren’t particularly impressed. The fact that we are rubbish at keeping quiet always makes for bad mojo. But, I had a blast. And we’re going back in Summer 2006 just in time for the World Cup.

Lately the “dongs” have been emailing back and forth, throwing some ideas around for how to maximize the value of our 06 reunion. And now that D-Ry has been commissioned to clean up that little Lloyd’s of London accounting flap, we’ll have a flat to call home. Some of our plans, in no particular order, for how we can out-a**hole ourselves this time:

· We should all wear pseudo-Mohawks and have absolutely everyone tell us we're 4 yrs late for that Beckham fad...then act genuinely pissed and put our Union Jack bandanas on and sing "na na na" while tugging on our outdated Becks' Manchester United jerseys and pissing everyone off...just like typical Americans. (Brooks Loomis)

· I will be in as well, as long as they are not checking at the border for the guy who threw the bottle through a window in Regent's park by mistake on the last night after trying to ditch his cab....I think it was Campion (judging by how he burst in to full sprint in the Ireland airport after being questioned about the stolen whiskey mill sign...) I'm saying I'm in. (Brian Hagen)

In the meantime, for all of you out there who will be joining us on our trip back, please feel free to check out the following London-themed sites, to get all the dirt on America’s favorite home away from home, just over yonder across the pond…(note that a number of these were recently selected to Yahoo! UK’s “Finds of the Year 2004” list)…

Like to keep up on what’s hot in your cities with Chicagoist, laist, Gothamist or sfist? Then check out Londonist. Or you could derelicte my balls and check out DerelictLondon.com, a photo blog of some of the more seedy spots around town. For more tasteful selections, see NYC-London.com, featuring a smattering of black and whites from both cities. For news, gossip entertainment, good eats and sport, check out The Guardian Unlimited, Metro, eggbaconchipsandbeans, EnglandFC.com and the Daily Mirror.

2004-12-28T16:59:00.000-05:00

Man learns he's dead, thanks to blind ex-wife

Read more about this strangely believable though dubiously odd story, here.

And while you’re at it, find out about the doctor who billed his patient for sex, the 205 mph Minnesota motorcycle, the 11-year old mom and the bear who hates Busch beer. These stories were taken from Boston.com's list of the 25 most popular “Odds and Ends” stories during the year 2004.

See the full list here.

2004-12-28T14:11:00.000-05:00

Scrobble What Your Mama Gave Ya’

If you’re not in any way off-put by the phrase, "If You Like A Lot Of Audioscrobbler On Your Biscuit, Join Our Club," then I highly recommend you get over to Audioscrobbler.com posthaste. Take it from me: I did and I’m quite satisfied.

Audioscrobbler is a plug-in that can be easily downloaded and attached (free of charge) to your existing media player, which will make recommendations to you based on the tracks on your playlist. Audioscrobbler will even connect you to profile pages of other users who share similar tastes, where you can browse through track titles of artists you may never have heard of but wish you had. In other words: it picks out new music for you, which is handy.

If you play music often -- whether it’s at work, at home, at Starbucks, or wherever else you spend time with your PC -- I recommend you give this the go-round it deserves.

2004-12-06T20:11:00.000-05:00

Creepy Bookselling Machine Gives Me the Creeps

Wondering what to buy that bookworm friend of yours for Christmas? Check out the GIFTMIXER 3000 from Barnes & Noble (developed by ad agency and branded creative content "factory" Crispin Porter + Bogusky).

The G3000 sounds creepily like Hal, everybody’s favorite psycho super computer from Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey. You know…the one that says, “I’m sorry Dave, I can’t do that” before he shoots that one dude into space or something, I forget. Fortunately, this one isn’t so psycho, but it does have a thing or two to say when you move the sliders on the equalizer to buy your book-gift for that special someone.

I entered in a 5 for imaginative and the machine retorted, “Not A Very Imaginative Choice,” so I went straight over to Amazon and did all my holiday shopping there.

(Thanks, brand new.)

2004-12-05T15:23:00.000-05:00

Some classics from the archive

As somewhat of a "welcome back" feature, since until a few days ago I hadn't posted anything here for nearly six months, here's a list of links to old posts that I know you loved. How do I know you loved them? I'm just guessing.

2004-12-05T13:11:00.000-05:00

Jesus Lives! (In Man’s Mouth)

On a dental X-Ray image in Phoenix, Arizona, Jesus, as you can see, appeared on the roof of a devout Christian’s mouth. Finally, real evidence that Jesus Lives! (In Man’s Mouth) Word is, dental X-Ray technicians everywhere are tuning their machines to produce more Jesus-like inner-mouth images so that they can get themselves on the cover of Jesus Lives! The Magazine in its semi-annual X-Ray issue.

2004-12-02T20:00:00.000-05:00

The Nation’s Got a Rash and its Name is Disappearing SpongeBobs

There is a new, mysterious and slightly disturbing rage sweeping across the States this holiday season and authorities everywhere are asking, Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

This one, being the 704 inflatable SpongeBob Squarepants figurines, each weighing 50 pounds and reaching heights of 8 feet, and ad wizards being those employed by those frou frou agencies of Madison Avenue who would agree with Jim Twitchell, a professor of advertising and English at the University of Florida, who states in a recent article on the AP Wire that Spongebob Squarepants is the new hot medium to target young males, “which is the hardest market to get to.”

The story goes that said 704 inflatable SpongeBobs were placed atop Burger Kings all over this great nation in a promotion for the feature length movie (complete with a David Hasselhoff cameo role) and are now disappearing at an alarming pace during the dark of night, only to have some of them show up days later on eBay.

The others remain missing.

"From a marketing point of view, stealing generates value," Twitchell was also heard to have said. "They will show up in fraternity houses for sure."

What Professor Bitchell (as the frat boys in his class are likely to be calling him, day in and day out) seems to forget is what else goes in the average fraternity house, and one questions the value that a life size sponge might carry when it is being had sex with by freshmen during pledge week, on camera.

Thanks D-Ry in Chicago for this link to one of the Spongebob balloons on eBay, selling for $405.

bigblu82 claims it was not stolen, but the picture he uses for it is of the balloon on top of a Burger King.

Here's one more. D-Ry claims that one Spongebob up for bid has two small holes in it; probably similar to the holes a giant inflatable balloon might get after being caught on barbed wire while being stolen.

Life is too short to make stuff like this up. God bless America.

2004-11-30T19:32:00.000-05:00

Guess who's back

More to come soon, thanks for staying interested. Peace out.

2004-07-27T23:19:00.000-04:00

Big Mac, Extra Pickles, Hold the Propaganda

Due to my new infatuation with fair and balanced doses of CSPAN and Fox News coverage of the 2004 Democratic National Love-Fest, my inner-political feathers have been ruffled and I am back on the blog scene again. I don't have too much for you right now, but there may be some pics and perhaps a few spicy bits to throw throw onto the rumor mill from our on-scene correspondent, Burnsie, who's working the convention this week.

Thanks Kate for this headline, which was directly inspired by the email you sent to me, detailing the questionable monetary donations of one Maria Teresa Thiersten Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry.

Smurf Birth

2004-07-06T10:51:00.000-04:00

New York Post drops the ball...again

Not since reporting that the Red Sox won the ALCS have NYPost editors f’ed one up this badly.

Today’s front page “Exclusive” reports that John Kerry selected Dick Gephardt as his running mate, when he did indeed go with John Edwards.

Lesson of the day: fire your sources.

2004-06-24T20:57:00.000-04:00

A work of pure genius

Sure, geeks, programs and pizza go together like Peter, Paul & Mary, but that's what makes the piPod so beautiful and glorious.

Like pizza? Like New York City? Got lost in NYC? Can't find pizza? Got an iPod? Get the piPod.

It's a program you can upload onto your iPod so that you can easily scroll through each borough and find the best neighborhood pizzeria, brought to you by sliceNY.com.

2004-06-24T20:32:00.000-04:00

Rooney felled, Beckham skies, Sammy silenced

All the signs were there, lingering just out of view, that cblueval.blogspot.com would curse Team England as they prepared to face off against the Portugese home squad. While I was busy trumpeting the virtues of England-tabloid-phenom Wayne “Man Child” Rooney, Sammy P was hurling editorial sticks and stones at Portugese powerhouse Ronaldo and essentially calling Portugal a bunch of nancypantses.

The end result of today's heartbreaking Euro 2004 debacle: England loses to Portugal in sudden death penalty kick overtime.

Hailing from a city ransacked by curse theorists and manic-depressive sports fans (see Curse of the Babe), the “fans-cursing-the-team-by-deploying-instant-reverse-karma factor” is widely accepted as a force to be reckoned with and I should’ve known better. If you are not familiar with this phenomenon, it exists only when a team’s fans get so fired up about winning the big game that the team ends up losing just cuz its funny to the team that won that all those fans have to put their feet into their mouths. Such is the case with all England soccer fans everywhere and inversely all Portugal soccer fans everywhere.

But, before we get too carried away, let us please not forget two critical facts: First, the mighty Wayne Rooney was felled early in the game and was replaced by Darius Vassell who later failed to capitalize in extra time; and second, that David Beckham skied a penalty kick that would cost England the game.

Has Beckham dropped a few points on my scale of likeability, and dare I say, “face-ability”? You bet your ass. No amount of international tail chasing, Posh Beckham marriage-maintaining, Addidas contract flogging, or Brooklyn-baby naming makes up for being completely unreliable when it counts. No doubt England will blame two people for this loss today: the referee who made the highly questionable call to steal Sol Campbell’s late game “winner” away from the Brits, and David Beckham for putting that ball into the upper balcony.

2004-06-23T12:36:00.000-04:00

Clinton’s juicy bits

Slate breaks down what they are terming the “Juicy Bits” of Bill Clinton’s My Life. The reviews of the book heretofore have ranged from lukewarm to slightly defrosted, so this outline may be the closest I get to actually reading it. This particular anecdote teaches us the value of not f’ing stuff up:

While on the road campaigning for Congress against John Paul Hammerschmidt in 1974, Clinton loses five of his students' law-school exams. "I was mortified. I offered the students the option of retaking the exam or getting full credit without a specific grade. They all took the credit, but one of them was particularly upset about it, because she was a good student who probably would have made an A, and because she was a good Republican who had worked for Congressman Hammerschmidt. I don't think she ever forgave me for losing the exam or for running against her old boss. I sure thought about it when, more than twenty years later, that former student, federal judge Susan Webber Wright, became the presiding judge in the Paula Jones case."

Read more here.

2004-06-23T09:39:00.000-04:00

Fakie Ronaldo Warns England to Expect the Worst
Guest editor Sammy P, who has a lot of pent up rage and likes DB's hair a bit much, provides a preview to Thursday's England v. Portugal match at 2:45 PM EST

OK…so I guess there’s this country in Europe named Portugal that thinks it’s good at soccer. Sure, sure, they colonized a country in Latin America that turned out to be one of the best in world soccer history, but does that mean that they know this game?

When asked about facing England, Portuguese newbie and Manchester United player Christiano Ronaldo said that the veteran right back Paul Neville has to be warned to expect the worst on Thursday.

"I expect to beat him several times, but the most important thing for me is that Portugal wins," said Ronaldo.

First of all I hate you. You’re not the real Ronaldo. I hate your family for giving you that last name. I got a warning for little Ricky (as he will now be dubbed)….Not only is England going to stop Portugal, but they will be running through gaps wider than the ones between his teeth. I predict the Neville brothers (yes both of them) will team up and come at him like a tornado of fists and fingernails. That little fancy boy won’t know what hit him.

Now let’s talk about something more important. Beckham’s hair….or as I like to call it: The Evolution.

He looks like a bad ass…let’s be honest. And with the new tattoo on his neck….double badass. Parents, expect to see your little blokes come home with a shaved head and a tattoo that says Brooklyn on it. I for one am shaving my head in honor of him cause it looks cool. From now on I’m going to do everything in my life only if it “looks cool”….and I’m totally ok with that. Is that weird?

Well…I don’t really have much else to talk about (I swear I’m much funnier and more interesting in person….well…no…no I’m not.)

Let’s go England and let’s K some A on Thursday at 2:45. I’m out.

2004-06-21T16:51:00.000-04:00

Wayne Rooney to rule his own island colony

Surely the Queen will be awarding Brit-striker-virtuoso Wayne Rooney, or as I have dubbed him, “The Roon,” with his own small island of indigenous peoples to rule over when he is not needed for Everton matches or Team England rompings in the Euro Cup. For after scoring two goals today against Croatia, bringing his tournament scoring total up to four, some in the Queenship believe that the second coming is upon them. Not even Beckham, or dare I say Pele (that’s right bitches I said it) have performed at such a level at such a young age. One might even go so far as to suggest that Wayne Rooney vacations at Balco facilities and parties with Oliver Stone. Whatever the secret may be, Wayne Rooney owns it and Beckham jersey sales measures from San Juan to Hong Kong are reporting 1 – 2 % declinations. If you put your head close enough to the ground, you can even hear faint grumblings over at the Walkers facility in Leicester City of a possible Wayne Rooney – Gary Lineker substitution, but I’m afraid I can’t speculate further at this juncture.

Big ups to Scholes for his equalizer early in the game, Beckham, Lampard and Owen for their integral roles in the 4-2 victory; and the Neville Brothers, just for playing together on the same field, reminding people everywhere of timeless classics such as Iko Iko and Dancin’ Jones as England marched onwards valiantly towards glory.

2004-06-21T10:35:00.000-04:00

The fish feeding pirate ship and other amazing inventions

This past Saturday night, Steal This Blog co-editors Burnsie and Josh clued me, Katya and a few Alabamans in to the lively ribbings of Conan O'Brien writer Demetri Martin at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Chelsea. Demetri’s show consists of colorful anecdotes from his life, relived through him as he is mysteriously transported into a three ring notebook where he writes down all his ideas. On the notebook: “If you are eating by yourself at a restaurant, you’re a loser. If you’re eating by yourself at a restaurant while writing in a notebook, you’re an author.”

Demetri passed on an acceptance to Harvard Law to attend NYU with his then longtime GF and love interest, and then he married her, dropped out of NYU to pursue comedy writing and then got divorced. After his divorce he became attached to three guy friends who became so close that they one day decided that they were losers and they couldn’t hang out together anymore. During the meeting where this ultimatum was set, they developed a secret handshake where whenever they would see each other they would put a finger to the other’s lips, signifying the secret friendship society they once had, and distributed four cards, one for each suit, to determine at which point to stand around the fountain at Central Park where they would meet one month after this friendship breakup. On the days leading up to this Friends-ish reunion, they were only allowed to communicate through letters which strangely resembled “civil war” correspondence over time due the magnitude of each other’s lost connections. On the day of said reunion, Demetri raced through Manhattan on a mountain bike with two dozen balloons (“to make the occasion extra cool”) knocking around every nearby pedestrian around him, only to eventually flatten a tire and verbally battle bad-suited bouncers who threatened to clip his bike if he left it on their property, 24 helium inflated balloons remaining in hand. When he finally arrived to the fountain, a crowd of nearly 70 people were standing around three other guys standing at specific locations, two of which were holding balloons. Demetri admits that him and his friends were pretty gay without actually being gay. “We were G-A.”

Demetri has spent a lot of time drawing in his notebook and thinking of really cool inventions such as the “un-brella” and the fish feeding pirate ship, which is a ship that dumps food into his fish tank at pre-determined intervals of time while he is on vacation. “It feeds the fish while I am away and the fish don’t even know I am gone and it looks awesome. I’m not trying to brag about my life. I’m just giving you this information.”

Then one day he went to an audition for the part of a professor and pinned a medal to his blazer because he thought he understood the part, which he later wore on a first date, and moved in for the make-out at way the wrong moment and got denied. He noted that every guy within a 100 foot radius of this particular brand of rejection knows about it and shouts, “That dude just got rejected.”

2004-06-21T10:04:00.000-04:00

Why I should be an editor

On riding the Fung Wah Bus from Beach St. to Canal St. (Chinatown, BOS to Chinaton, NYC), I couldn’t help but smile as I realized that some enterprising individual somewhere was likely making millions on the ten dollar bus ride concept. Aside from the lack of bathrooms which routinely calls for one bathroom break in Connecticut per trip, the Fung Wah is just like any other bus, except a lot smaller. The upside is they run every hour on the hour and if you show up early, like I did on Saturday, and there’s room on the earlier bus, you’re on, and as an added bonus the 350 lb transvestite will opt for a seat further in the back of the bus so you can score his original cradle, closer to the front; but chances are this part of the scenario doesn’t play out every time.

I must admit that upon hearing the name “Fung Wah” I imagined a mysterious bus baron with the personality and mystique of Inspector Gadget’s Dr. Claw. But that’s just me. As I rode the Fung Wah Bus from Chinatown to Chinatown for $10.50 I thought to myself, “Someone should really write an article about this guy and his ingenious business model…”

Turns out, in yesterday's Boston Sunday Globe business section, the story of Fung Wah Transportation, Inc. rests smack dab in the middle of the page in 741 words, chronicling the iron fist of evil bus lord Peter Pan and its unyielding attempts to put Mr. Fung Wah, (whose actual name is Pei Lin Liang,) out of the bus trade for good, by lobbying city governments and influencing $11,000 in tickets given by the City of Boston to Liang’s intercity transportation jewel.

The article costs money to read today so I won’t bother linking to it, but you get the idea: Ride Fung Wah. Save money. Pee in Connecticut.

2004-06-17T20:52:00.000-04:00

England rolls over Haas-beens

In a desperate attempt to come up with a catchy headline for this post, I realized that some Swiss dude named Berndt Haas left the game today with a red card, pretty much sealing the deal for England's 3-nil victory over those prissy little Swiss Misses. Then it came to me.

And once again Everton FC's Wayne Rooney, in his classic style of elemental savagery, made mincemeat of the Swiss defense and netted two goals, one of which was assisted by international playboy David Beckham and Michael Owen, who up until today remained relatively quiet in the offense. Incidentally, Rooney set a new UEFA European Championship record by becoming the youngest player to ever score in a tournament match, helping earn him the title "Carlsberg Man of the Match," which means he gets a lot of free Carlsberg later I guess. Wayne Rooney makes Freddy Adu look like a huge mama's boy by the way.

On an otherwise uneventful day at work, I basked in the great glory that is the ESPN Soccernet Gamecast system, and watched streaming live coverage of the game via stat updates and web-based game commentary while eating buffolo wings and fries, which just so happened to be what the Corporate Chefs were serving. As if they knew that England's future was on the line.

In the end, I was singing "Vindaloo Vindaloo Na Nah" out loud as if I had a fever and the only prescription was "Vindaloo Vindaloo Na Nah," coaxing my co-workers into becoming lifelong English football fans and even convincing the boss to install a keg-erator next to the water cooler for the Croatia match on Monday.

2004-06-16T20:35:00.000-04:00

Think you've had a shitty day?

Well I've got news for you pal: you haven't. Three words: Nine Million Bees.

2004-06-15T19:04:00.000-04:00

F the naysayers

On the subject of "blogging," which I wholeheartedly support, I do not believe it is self serving as seemed to be the overall consensus of the discussion of the last few minutes of a meeting my company held today to brainstorm ideas for a potential client.

It is however a new form of self expression that has become a medium for the thousands of people who screw around on the web when they're bored, are working or are looking for an alternative source for news. Just as millions of people who watch the news or ESPN or Entertainment Tonight or American Idol every night are free to form their own opinions, so are the masses of people who read blogs. Just because one person says something that makes us laugh or gives us a little diversion for a moment, this does not mean that we are really taking what they say to heart. And it doesn’t mean we have to agree with them either. (The next Andy Rooney, Anne Coulter, Ted Rall or David Sedaris is probably a blogger today.)

In any regard, I know there's a bunch of people out there reading this and I appreciate that. And all of you who know me understand that I'm not trying to change the world here or brainwash you or make you have epileptic seizures for my own personal gain, although that sounds strangely intriguing.

As far as for marketing purposes, blogs are getting more and more street cred as a viable avenue to reach a potential customer base. The main reason for this: they are customized. This creates a niche audience and one that can easily be targeted. Nike started a blog called The Art of Speed, powered by Gawker Media, which is a spin-off of the site Gawker, which is essentially a social commentary on NYC life. The business model that supports Gawker Media is that it will host blogs which are sponsored by marketers to create a base for viral marketing. Nike took advantage of this concept by asking web developers to create short movies using flash media focused on the theme of “speed.” Other bloggers link to their films, which are easily downloadable, and Nike in turn reaches the masses. The media impressions are almost immeasurable, because each link creates a potential for ten other people to link to that link and so on and so on.

Blogs can touch people. Whether you're the Napolean Dynamite or the Riddick type, (if these were actual real people,) there is a blog out there waiting to touch you, and I don't care if you think that's gross or not.

That's all for now...I need to go continue to be spoon fed oatmeal by my spoonfeeder...that's how non self serving I actually am.

Addendum: In the words of Levar Burton, of Reading Rainbow fame, “You don’t have to take my word for it.” Instead, check out what Lev Grossman, over at Time, is saying about blogs:

In a way, blogs represent everything the Web was always supposed to be: a mass medium controlled by the masses, in which getting heard depends solely on having something to say and the moxie to say it…

We may be in the golden age of blogging, a quirky Camelot moment in Internet history when some guy in his underwear with too much free time can take down a Washington politician. It will be interesting to see what role blogs play in the upcoming election.

2004-06-15T18:58:00.000-04:00

2004-06-14T15:04:00.000-04:00

England won’t be proud to bring this one “back home”

England, England, England. You sorry sons of bitches. You’ve gone and stole my young, impressionable heart and squeezed the life out of it yet again.

While many in Loom’s court will claim that David Beckham is “so face” and will “bend it when the time calls for a bend”, Becks just couldn’t beat French keeper Fabien Barthez on a penalty shot in the waning minutes of yesterday’s UEFA Euro Cup opener. Barthez’s save made all the difference, for minutes later French striker Zinadine Zidane, arguably the best player in the world with arguably the most ridiculous looking bald spot I’ve ever seen in a professional athletic arena, knocked in not one, but two goals to bring England to its knees as the proverbial “bitch” once again and ruining pub parties all over London and in each and every shire in the Queenship.

Little did Sven Goran Eriksson and team England know that over here in the states there sat in a living room in Massachusetts, a bar in Chicago’s Lincoln Park called “Ginger’s Ale House,” and an Irish pub in Manhattan, a smattering of hard-core “faux-Brits” who would gas many a lively ale and feel the burn of defeat along with Gary Lineker, Charlie “Hey Ahh Hey Ahh Mr. Director!” The Doorman, Vinita P., and Dean, that dude we used to play soccer with when we lived at Regent’s College. Yes, the “dongs” as we’ve more than once referred to ourselves, through text messaging, or “texting” as its come to be called in some circles, and cellular phone calls back and forth, kept in touch as we chanted “Na na na, na na nah, na na nah, na nah, na,” and clutched tightly at our Vodafone jerseys much like Michael Owen during the ’02 Cup.

Our only solace lies in the fact that the 18 year old Wayne Rooney is clearly a savage beast not witnessed on the British Isles since the likes of one William “Give me Freedom or give me Death” Wallace and Thursday’s match against Switzerland, which Loomis has requested the day off for and plans to spend with one little vixen or another, should be an unmerciful hate-mongering in the wake of the ambush Jacques Chirac’s boys gave England yesterday.

Tucker Loomis, the Boris to Brooks’ Natasha, had this to say about France v. England:

Saw the game at a bar in NYC. Half the place was filled with fans from England, the other half were French. Wall to wall with standing people and I knew the bar was playing the game by all the blokes outside in jerseys smoking buts. I bumped into a dude and got his face paint on my shirt, had some beer on me by a drunk english dude. The place was full of cheering for individual english clubs from where the english peopel came from. Man U, Chelsea, Arsenal and then the Beckham free kick that Frank Lampard headed in. From the 38th minute until halftime the one half of the bar was singing England songs.

The French fans were silent in the one corner while the English people took over. I spent the second half near the door to stay away from the spraying beer from the drunk english fans that took up the majority of the place.

Zinadine Zidane scored on a free kick and then a penalty and a fight was about to break out when the French fans started their chants and the doors opened and a police officer stood by the door to assure people left the bar.

Zidane scored 2 goals in 4 minutes and acted like he had done it a number of times with his cavalier attitude.

But the funniest part of the game was what Fabien Barthez said about David Beckham's penalty kick.

"I stood there and saw Beckham looking at me. I couldn’t even make eye contact. Honestly, I closed my eyes and dove to one side and luck was with me. How else do you save a ball that likes to move like that ? [That’s called bending it, Fabien. And what kind of name is Fabien, Fabien?] Am I confident to face Beckham again if there were a rematch? I'd be scared to shit!!"

Meanwhile, back in Boston as I slowly recovered physically and financially from the game (it did cost me $20 on PPV after all, and I am a cheap bastard), I was fortunate enough to score Sox tickets ten rows behind home plate and watched the game alongside several wealthy Boston area bureaucrats and “you-old-dog-you” types. Ace on the hill Pedro was flawless and Pokey Reese proved in one giant line drive snagging leap that everything I had ever done in my life up to this point was meaningless and trite. And to make it a Sunday to remember, while I was rubbing elbows with Frank McCourt and several people that looked too beautiful not to be famous at the ballgame, I arrived home just in time to find that the Pistons were whoring the Lakers yet again.

2004-06-13T13:46:00.000-04:00

This just doesn't get old

By all accounts, this is ghetto...

...and this is ghetto fabulous...

...which is pretty much the point of GhettoFabulous.com, making Hot or Not its bitch, and chronicling through pictures the life and times of that slice of high society we call the "ghetto-fabuloso".

2004-06-13T13:23:00.000-04:00

Will foosball mastery save us all?

I went to a large state school — the University of Illinois — and during my time there, I became one of the best two or three foosball players in the Land of Lincoln. I learned to pass deftly between my rigid players, to play the corners, to strike the ball like a cobra would strike something a cobra would want to strike. I also mastered the dart game called Cricket, and the billiards contest called Nine-ball. I became expert at whiffle ball, at backyard archery, and at a sport we invented that involved one person tossing roasted chickens from a balcony to a group of us waiting below. We got to eat the parts that didn't land on the patio.

This from Dave Eggers, editor of McSweeneys and author of A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, in today's NYT. Foosball mastery is not the point, however enticing that may sound. Require America's college students to volunteer in their community and we will have a massive force of philanthropists ready and willing to serve.

2004-06-08T20:56:00.001-04:00

Steal This Blog

There's been much fanfare surrounding the debut of Steal This Blog...

Could Steal This Blog be the next Gawker? We'll have to wait and see, but in the meantime, here's a taste of what you'll be getting from ol' Burns and friends at the newest blogspot on the web:

Sure, R. Kelly is despicable and he's going to jail, but he sure makes good music. Despite the fact that he shows his love for his fans by going number 1 on their backside, his hot beats and romantic melodies keep making me want to "step to the name of love".

...and...

We all know from Page Six that both Paris and Carmen love to make out with girls. So why here, on the world's biggest stage, do we only get a little lip smooch? This kiss made Britney and Madonna's look like an anal gangbang.

I could not help but notice that Steal This Blog's URL was CultureBot.blogspot.com...Could Cigarette Bot and Butter Bot be next? (Get them while they're hot people...)

2004-06-08T20:35:00.000-04:00

Faux-hawk out, Jheri Curl in

Finally, two sports idols have made it into the same blog post. The probability of this occurring is not very high considering their sports share little in common past the presence of a ball and thousands of drunken fans. They are ace-on-the-hill Pedro "Petey" Martinez and Brit-striker David Beckham.

Seems certain New York fashionistas are saying that the "faux hawk," made famous by Becks in early '02 is way over and out, while the Boston Globe claims Pedro's Jheri Curl is giving Coming to America's Soul Glo guy a run for his money.

Me, I'm not one to comment on a man's do, for mine looks like it was flowbee'd if I've left the Buick's windows open for too long on the highway.

2004-06-02T20:03:00.000-04:00

Walken an otter lover

This kind of story isn't weird if you know Chris Walken:

At the grocery store, he stared at a plump tomato and then put it back. ''I DON'T. Buy the tomatoes with. The stems. On them. They don't. Degrade. They go. Down the sink. And into the WATER. Then. They get lodged in the throats of little. OTTERS.''

This is from The New York Times Magazine profile on Christopher Walken, arguably one of the most glorious people on earth today. Read more here.

2004-05-31T12:47:00.000-04:00

Giant foreheads bring justice

Check out Law & Order: Artistic Intent, (Law & Order inspired art), like this...

...here.

2004-05-31T11:57:00.000-04:00

Freak TV

A woman gets cut in half, a cowboy knows cow-telepathy, an office worker can see the future, and a businessman goes back in time, alters the future and makes way for a generation of people with antlers.

These are the plotlines for the new Discovery Channel ads, seen here. My favorite was "Antlers", but "Milk Truck" is action packed.

2004-05-30T17:51:00.000-04:00

Gassing PBRs in Gotham

Here are some pictures from my trip to NYC this weekend. My little meeting in Queens went along famously and I enjoyed great company for the rest of my time in the Big Apple.

Everyone enjoyed themselves and we all drank Pabst Blue Ribbon.

(PBR is the new Black. Get with it.)

I'm trying a new program here -- click on each photo for your very own downloadable, linkable, background-able version.

2004-05-30T17:46:00.000-04:00

Patrick, me and Kristine at the Hog's Pit.

2004-05-30T17:45:00.000-04:00

LeVangie gets drilled. He loves it.

2004-05-30T17:43:00.001-04:00

cab to 3rd and Long

2004-05-30T17:43:00.000-04:00

The Peculiar Pub, Greenwich Village

2004-05-26T16:07:00.000-04:00

Cblueval plays the classics

I posted this two months ago to the day. It was and remains an instant classic.

2004-05-26T16:00:00.000-04:00

Serve me up

Step Into the Colin

Your Flexible Colin

All You Add is Colin

My Anti-Drug is Colin

Check out The Advertising Slogan Generator, where you can put any word or name of your choosing into a box, and then “Sloganize it.”

Kind of creepy I guess, but I can do creepy.

Thanks, e-Bender.

Addendum, March 27:

Better Ingredients, Better Loom.

The Loom That Eats like a Meal.

2004-05-26T15:51:00.000-04:00

Who’s pimpin' who?

With word that Soul Plane may be the most ridiculous justification for spending millions of Hollywood dollars, Page Six reports that Ice T has re-released Ice T's Pimpin' 101, a personal foray into categorizing the many different types of hos that he knows in different area codes.

"All of us are hos in one way or another, but very few will ever get the chance to truly pimp."

True that, Ice T, true that.

Meanwhile, John Kerry has just unveiled what can only be described as the ultimate campaign pimp ride: his private jet features two conference rooms, a stand up bar, five cabins and 94 seats.

Will Snoop Dogg be the captain of John Kerry’s Soul Plane?

2004-05-26T11:23:00.000-04:00

Bill Simmons curses Cold Pizza

Cold Pizza sucks. We all know that. And we should’ve seen it coming: What could ESPN possibly have come up with to face off against Sportscenter in its morning programming? Recently, the folks over at Cold Pizza, including that freaky looking midget host who scares me, have come up with a list for the top 15 most tortured sports towns in America, and predictably, Boston came in fifth.

We can thank the Sox for this, and Dan Shaughnessy, on whose shoulders I place a fair amount of blame for creating the whole Curse philosophy that hangs over this town like a death shroud.

Me, I am with Bill Simmons when he shames on Cold Pizza, not just for being an awful show, but for creating a horribly unbalanced list of tortured sports towns, one on which Boston finishes 8 places ahead of Cincinnati, a place where “the city's biggest hero turned out to be one of the biggest scumbags in the history of sports” (that’s Pete Rose for you non-sportsphiles).

The Patriots winning those two out of the last three Super Bowls sure tortures me every time I think about it.

2004-05-25T16:16:00.000-04:00

Will Phish puff, puff, pass??

Trey Anastasio said this today on Phish.com:

Last Friday night, I got together with Mike, Page and Fish to talk openly about the strong feelings I've been having that Phish has run its course and that we should end it now while it's still on a high note. Once we started talking, it quickly became apparent that the other guys' feelings, while not all the same as mine, were similar in many ways -- most importantly, that we all love and respect Phish and the Phish audience far too much to stand by and allow it to drag on beyond the point of vibrancy and health. We don't want to become caricatures of ourselves, or worse yet, a nostalgia act. By the end of the meeting, we realized that after almost twenty-one years together we were faced with the opportunity to graciously step away in unison, as a group, united in our friendship and our feelings of gratitude.

So Coventry will be the final Phish show. We are proud and thrilled that it will be in our home state of Vermont. We're also excited for the June and August shows, our last tour together. For the sake of clarity, I should say that this is not like the hiatus, which was our last attempt to revitalize ourselves. We're done. It's been an amazing and incredible journey. We thank you all for the love and support that you've shown us.

Will Coventry be the end for Phish? It appears so.

Will thousands of people flock to Vermont to smoke mass quantities of weed and eat "ice cold LSD"? No question there.

More on this to come...

2004-05-24T21:29:00.000-04:00

"Bringing humanity back to air travel..."

If these words seem like an exercise in oxymoronism, if that's even a real word, check out a July 2003 review of JetBlue over at the Motley Fool, via this link.

2004-05-24T21:18:00.000-04:00

If the moon was made out of cheese...would you eat it?

Unlike Will Ferrell's impersonation of Harry Caray, the newest Chicago landmark on the web is the real thing.

From the folks who brought you the definitive New York site Gothamist, its Chicagoist, the blog for all things Windy. And since I know I have an audience in "Chicag," as I call it affectionately, this one's for you.

Could plans be in the works for a Beantownist or a Wickedpissa-ist? We'll just have to wait and see.

2004-05-23T20:30:00.000-04:00

Andy Kaufman returns?

Could this be the blog of Andy Kaufman, who, contrary to popular belief is alive and well? That's up for you to decide. But he has announced a National Starbucks and Walmart Tour, so keep on the lookout.

But for now, read about how Andy Kaufman's resurrection is a hoax, here.

2004-05-23T19:52:00.003-04:00

Working the crowd

Inc. magazine's Norm Brodsky met JetBlue CEO David Neeleman on a New York to Oakland direct and was immediately impressed at his devotion to his company and his customers. Neeleman got to know the passengers one by one and even listened intently to a snack salesman's pitch to offer his product on JetBlue flights. Then later he introduced Norm to a San Francisco-based colleague who was sitting near the back of the flight.

Read more from the encounter here.

As an added bonus, this article alludes to Neeleman's hope to soon install wireless internet access on all flights.

2004-05-22T18:04:00.000-04:00

Godin no Song fan

In an ongoing series I will call, "Get to know JetBlue," I will be providing articles and interesting tid-bits from the web about this innovational airline company.

The first is from Seth Godin, marketing guru, who recently flew on Song, and reports that he had a lousy time.

2004-05-22T12:48:00.000-04:00

Dirtbag

Yeah, so, I know I've been talking up the peach fuzz on my face, but I have to shave the beard this week, for a "big meeting" on Friday, (stay tuned: more on this to come).

I've been told I look like a homeless child molester, a caveman, and was once asked if the beard came with a free bowl of soup, but I stuck with it and it surely won't be the last time I go for the grizzled look.

So, for those that haven't seen me in days, weeks, years, here's what I once looked like...

...what I look like right now, at this moment...

...and what I will look like at my ten year college reunion if all goes as planned...

Rinse and repeat, goddamn it, rinse and repeat

2004-05-21T19:24:00.000-04:00

Jon Stewart, on his generation...

Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the
next generation a world better than the one we were handed.
So, sorry.

I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it
just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush
of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire,
we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing
just died on us. So I apologize.

But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next
greatest generation, people. You do this—and I believe you
can — you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your
ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t,
you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation.
If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy
pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve
outdid us.

Read more here of Jon Stewart's commencement speech at his alma mater, William and Mary.

2004-05-21T19:09:00.000-04:00

Does this dude look familiar?

Probably, because his name is Joel Moore, not that you'd know that, but you would know that he's been the main character in recent ads for Best Buy, Kohl's, Castrol, eBay and Cingular, to name a few, all in the last year.

Basically, Joel is like that guy that keeps showing up at your house and just won't leave.

Anyway, Seth Stevenson of Slate, who claims to watch 14 hours of TV a day, was wondering who this dude was and got to the bottom of it and I guess Seth gets paid to waste your time, so here you go. (I wish I got paid for this.)

2004-05-21T18:57:00.000-04:00

More like Medi-crap. Ta ha, get it? Old people are getting screwed...

Remember a couple of months ago when I told you about those allegedly fake Medicare videos that the Bush administration was pawning off as legitimate news in several markets? Ok, fine. To refresh your memory, the videos were a form of "covert propaganda" since the government was not identified as the source of the materials, which were then broadcast by at least 40 television stations in 33 markets, which is in fact illegal, according to the General Accounting Officeone of the investigative arms of Congress.

2004-05-21T18:24:00.000-04:00

Johnny Damon’s alter ego

Upon hearing that Johnny Damon would shave his beard today in a Gillette promotion, I have officially decided that I will not shave my beard until he grows his back. I will now officially embody Johnny Damon’s alter ego.

And the only way he’s going to get a steady endorsement deal with Gillette, or any other men's hygiene-product-related company is by continuously growing it back and then shaving it for charity time and time again.

Meanwhile, Loom’s good friend Jason Doering, former Wisconsin Badger and Indianapolis Colt, just got picked up by the Giants as a free agent.

With ex-Eagles coach Tom Coughlin at the helm and draft day crybaby Eli Manning leading the charge (no pun intended); could 2005 be the year for the Giants?

Doering in '03

2004-05-18T21:07:00.000-04:00

Write an Essay for Rance

Since I've been keeping a keen eye on the blog of Rance (who may or may not be Owen Wilson, George Clooney, Damon Wayans or the ghost of Tony Randall, but probably is a big time Hollywood type of some kind), it appears he may or may not be recruiting ideas for the next big pitch for an independently produced movie-to-be, thinly veiled by a charge to his readers to write a 500 word essay entitled, "What would you do if you were given control of Fox Studios for one year?" Check out the Administrative Notes section for essay contest parameters here.

Give it a try kids, but make sure you include at least one character named, "Hambone."

2004-05-18T20:51:00.000-04:00

At least they're not Segway-ing to Lisbon

In related David Beckham news (see next post), Adidas has rolled out its new UEFA Cup campaign, "Road to Lisbon," with a two minute ad, seen here. (Sorry its pretty small, likely because its not widely available on the net as it is playing in European cinemas and all over Sky Sports.) Anyway, as you can see, it features 13 of the top football players in the world parading around Portugal on scooters and kicking around the ball with the locals.

Read about the campaign from Adrants here or check out the Sun's version here.

Scooters and soccer balls...why don't Americans love this game again?

2004-05-18T20:10:00.000-04:00

What's New With Loom-dog?

So I’m out in Mechanicsburg, PA, training for Small Property Loss Estimating, which is basically like a Home Depot sprint class. My boss decided it was cool to ship me out on a plane for a week, and there was no speculation. Upon my return, I had noticed that there was MUCH speculation about David Beckham’s last-minute travel to work (play) for another company (team).

I felt strangely connected but there was a pit in the bottom of my stomach as my move did not create as much of an international “buzz”. I then went to Indianapolis for a buddy’s wedding where I was reunited with old teammates (fraternity brothers) a la Beckham with team England in Portugal’s 2004 Cup and tried to boom-boom with the bridesmaids a la Beckham with many models/ former PA’s. Coming up short, this is Loom.

Don’t miss E!’s “It’s Good To Be Posh and Becks" episode this Sunday at 10pm.

Bend it like Small Property Loss Estimators

2004-05-15T12:40:00.000-04:00

Are you a hambone?

I am aware that a fair number of my readers are still in college, so I was delighted when I came upon a glorious web-site called, Mike's Page of Vague Existential Panic.

From this page, I was able to draw three conclusions:
1. Mike probably doesn't know what existential means.
2. Lehigh University doesn't know what Mike's doing with their free web space.
3. I think I'm a hambone.

So the question remains, Are you a hambone? You are if you say things like I shit you not, you drive a Jeep or you go to the gym with five of your ham-buddies and block other people from using the good equipment.

Find out here.

And for the girls, are you a hooknasty? You are if you have a tattoo on the small of your back, you read Cosmo or your clothes have multiple cigarette burns but you still wear them because they're North Face.

Find out here. (Skip past the annoying intro -- seems Mike got in a bit of disciplinary trouble at Lehigh and had to apologize to a few hooknastys.)

Definetely a hambone.

2004-05-14T17:00:00.002-04:00

Smokers' cough is cool again

What do Bill Murray, Iggy Pop, Tom Waits, Steve Buscemi, Cate Blanchett, Jack and Meg White, the RZA and GZA all have in common?

They're all in Jim Jarmusch's new movie, Coffee and Cigarettes. See the trailer here.

The movie opened in NYC and LA today, and the Times gives a great review; the article also makes mention that the soundtrack is in part made up of tunes from The Skatalite, a righteous band I caught onto while roaming through a Virgin Records in London. Check out this CD, then go check your local listings and see the movie.

2004-05-13T21:25:00.000-04:00

Comment on it

If you feel the need or desire to post an opinion, click the number sign below this and all posts and publish your comment. I'm still trying to figure out how to show said comments, but in the mean time, comment away.

Amendment (05/14/04): Whoever wrote "God hates you Colin," clearly needs to seek help, because God loves me. Didn't you know that?

2004-05-13T19:28:00.000-04:00

The Baghdad Blog

As the B52s closed in over Baghdad in March of 2003, an Iraqi by the name of Salam Pax narrated everything he saw around him that day into his computer and over the internet. By then, millions of people worldwide were already tuned in, and more would follow as the conflict progressed.

Today, Salam's blog is a book, and tomorrow it will be a movie.

Ironically, it appears the blog has been taken down, (probably because a publishing house owns the rights to it), but go to this site for a rather compelling promo and to download the first chapter of The Baghdad Blog.

2004-05-13T19:00:00.000-04:00

Stereogum remixes the Beta Band

Remember that scene in High Fidelity, the ultimate music-store-owner wannabe geek movie, where John Cusack slides in a CD, pumps up the volume in Championship Records and turns to the nearest guy to him and says, "I will now sell five copies of the newest LP from the Beta Band"?

And then "Dry the Rain" comes on and everyone in the store starts bobbing their heads, thinking, "This is some righteous music. I must buy it."

Classic.

Check out Stereogum, where you can sample the latest album from the Beta Band, Heroes to Zeros for absolutely no scratch at all.

2004-05-13T16:23:00.000-04:00

If the man eating crocodiles or the hungry great white sharks don’t kill you, the giant African land snails will

Sure they taste good, but they do after all carry diseases.

Run for your lives people: meningitis-carrying giant African land snails are invading Florida at an alarming pace.

2004-05-11T22:10:00.000-04:00

Check out the new Derelicte exhibit at the Met

If you're squinting at this photo and wondering, "Is that somebody looking at what appears to be magic marker scribbled onto construction paper Scotch-taped to the wall at the Met?" then you'd be right on the money, because that's what everybody's favorite larry-drinking Columbia medical school student, Kellner, did recently, as somewhat of a "social experiment" to test the aptitude for art appreciation in the human species. It's a phenomenon known as humanis retardedness, he tells me. Yes, that's Kellner's work, and yes, that's some random dude gazing at it in wonder, thinking to himself, "Brilliant!"

2004-05-11T21:43:00.000-04:00

They rule. So, get used to it.

It's kind of hard to explain this website without offering pictorial evidence. But imagine if there was a site where you could trace the pool of influence from H.J. Heinz to Harley Davidson amongst a massive web of nearly every major global corporation, by going through just three people. Meaning of course that if Heinz needs a favor, it need not but shake two hands to get Harley Davidson to do its bidding. Scary, unless you vote Republican.

Still don't get it?

Check out theyrule.net, a point of reference to find out who plays golf with whom, who hobnobs with whom and who buys and sells souls with whom. And the handy diagrams make childsplay out of tracing the origins and connections of many of the boards of directors who lobby Congress every year. Truly fascinating stuff.

2004-05-11T21:36:00.000-04:00

Stranger things have happened

WORST-CASE SCENARIO number one: It's the night before Election Day.
Across America, voters turn on their televisions hoping to catch the
final hours of the presidential campaign and instead hear the awful news.
In coordinated attacks, terrorists have killed their favored candidates
for both president and vice president. Now what?

Worst-case scenario number two: It's the day after Election Day and voters
have clearly chosen the next president. Across America, local party members
are making plans to travel to their state capitals and cast their usually
ceremonial Electoral College votes when both members of the winning ticket
are assassinated. What happens next?

The answer in both cases -- and several equally unpleasant variants:
Nobody knows.

This article spoke to an interesting piece of political taboo, considering that people don't like to talk about assasinated leaders. However, Monday's Chechnya attacks lent new credence to the subject.

So, what would happen if both candidates died?

2004-05-11T21:30:00.000-04:00

Dubya yourself.

This from the famous "freedom wall" at 11 Spring Street in Nolita. See more graffiti and poster art here.

2004-05-11T21:00:00.000-04:00

Comeback

Sorry I've been gone for some time now. It's been a busy few days what with Mother's Day and work and a fair amount of extra-curricular activity on the side. But I digress. What's important is that I am back, and so are you -- two hundred hits over the past two days -- not bad, considering I hadn't posted anything new. Y'all are tortured souls. And apparently, only 100 hits per day is enough to be considered for a press credential at the Democratic National Convention, according to the Boston Globe , so maybe I'll go ahead and apply. Or maybe I'll read the rules here. Maybe Bed, Bath and Beyond. Who knows? It's a big day.

I've cracked open a fresh Bud Light (wait, is this what I do for fun on a Tuesday night? Yes) and I have plenty of new and refreshing crap to provide to you tonight, so although this will likely be the last post you'll read, I hope you've enjoyed it.

2004-05-06T20:28:00.000-04:00

Bush says sorry, hugs girl, warms hearts

Finally, we get a sorry out of the man who has created my generation's Vietnam. Mark my words: in three to four years, there will be a Platoon-esque movie about these past two months in Iraq and the rest of the world.

Meanwhile, in a recent visit to Lebanon, Ohio, Bush stopped to console a young lady who had lost her mom at the World Trade Center. The girl's father, Lynn Faulkner, took this:

Quite a day for nice gestures by the Prez. Could he be all that bad after all?

Hey man relax. I'm a registered Democrat.

2004-05-06T20:03:00.000-04:00

'Web Gems' Takes on a Whole New Meaning

Every night on Baseball Tonight, Harold Reynolds goes through the day's top defensive plays in a segment ESPN calls Web Gems, alluding to the natural form of the inside of a baseball glove. However, when Spiderman 2 logos start showing up all over the ballpark, on the bases, around the batter's box and plastered on the pitching rubber, the term will take on a whole new meaning.

HA HA HA, like a Spider Web! As in Spiderman 2! Oh the kids will love this.

That's right, folks. The MLB just struck a deal with the devil/Columbia TriStar Motion Picture Group, for a glorious weekend of Spider-Man 2 events coordinated with Major League Baseball Properties and the 15 MLB Clubs hosting home games June 11-13.

And I think the whole thing stinks worse than Spiderman part 1.

What were they thinking, ESPN.com's Eric Neel?

Maybe they figure we love baseball enough to look past the
corporate muck on the field. Maybe they figure we're too jaded
to care or too lazy to do anything.

Whatever they're thinking, I figure they need a little smackdown
from the fans on the movie's opening weekend, a little rising up of
vox populi, you know what I'm saying?

Here's my plan: We flip the bad movie sequel script on them.
Just before the opening pitch, we all start chanting. Like the
crowd in the Astrodome in "Bad News Bears in Breaking Training"
doing "Let Them Play!," we shout, "Spidey Off the Bases! Spidey
Off the Bases! Spidey Off the Bases!" Not just a handful of us,
but the whole stadium; and not just one stadium, but every park
in every big league city in the country.

We take the game back, we mock the suits, we make history,
and we make "SportsCenter." Whaddaya say?

2004-05-04T20:43:00.000-04:00

Meteorologists love worst-case scenarios. So does Greenpeace apparently

In somewhat of a bizarre twist of movie-making fate, scientists, environmentalists and even politicians are embracing the megabucks disaster orgy The Day After Tomorrow, created by the producers of Independence Day, and sure to make Jake Gyllenhaal into a megabucks Movie Star.

(Not to wander too far off-topic, but since old friends and random girls claim that much like David Schwimmer, Ben Stiller and Chris Kattan, Jake Gyllenhaal and I bear a similar resemblance. Therefore, I have an extra special vested interest in his films. I do not want my likenesses making crappy movies.)

Anyway, it seems that even Al Gore AKA Every-Democrats-Worst-Nightmare likes the idea of America learning that disasters of armageddon-like proportions could befall future generations if we keep spraying WD-40 and Pam everywhere.

"Millions of people will be coming out of theaters on Memorial Day weekend, asking the question, 'Could this really happen?' I think we need to answer that question," Gore said in a statement.

Check out the story here.

Meanwhile, Republicans everywhere continue to quietly hope that the next time these three guys are in the same place, a giant tidal wave of Day After Tomorrow proportions will hit unexpectedly...

2004-05-04T20:10:00.000-04:00

Whole lotta hullaballoo-in' over this Rance fella

Now that Howard Stern has outed himself as a closet-blogger on his morning program recently, nerds everywhere are scrambling to get the address. Meanwhile, there's been a lot of talk going around about this Rance guy, who is supposedly George Clooney or Owen Wilson or someone else who's decidedly famous in his own right.

Howard's blog is entirely a work of fiction, according to the Bush hating shock jock, but allegedly Rance speaks the truth.

One thing is for sure: Rance talks Hollywood; its whether or not he actually is Hollywood that remains a mystery. In a recent post entitled Fun With Psychopharmaceuticals, Rance poses a conundrum that aims to answer this question: How can you be certain to your daily dose of Seroquel and Xanax without any tablets going to waste?

2004-05-04T20:09:00.000-04:00

24 hours on Craigslist

I was tooling around on craigslist one day, when I found craigblog. Yesterday, while on craigblog, I came across 24 Hours on craigslist. Here's what I found there:

From a single post on craigslist we assembled 8 film crews to document a random day-in-the-life of what has evolved into the
world's largest community board. Not just the "Best-Of" or the "Success Stories", but a real, down-to-earth look at the fastest-growing grassroots cyber-community in the city that started it: San Francisco.

This is that day: August 4, 2003:

An Ethel Merman drag queen searches for the perfect backup band for her Led Zeppelin covers. A suburban professional woman assembles a diabetic cat support group. A couple seeks the perfect rabbi for their marriage. An aging, would-be mother finds her ideal sperm donor. Doors for sale, one night stands,
compulsive roomates, transsexual erotic services. The mundane and the sublime, the ridiculous and the profound, all come together to paint a portrait of a thriving, humanistic community in the midst of an ever-accelerating culture.

Its the craigslist movie, proving that one really handy website can indeed create magic everyday and not just on August 3, 2003.

And speaking of craigslist, if you're planning on swinging through Boston for the Democratic National Convention this July, folks all over the Hub will gladly take you in -- for a price.

2004-05-03T19:53:00.000-04:00

Its like friendster, just grosser

Marky got with Sharon and Sharon got Sharice.
She was sharing Sharon's outlook on the topic of disease.

Perhaps when the guy from the Butthole Surfers wrote this lyric, he was referring to WhoBangedWho.com, the newest social network site that links everyones' sexual partners. They say that when you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone they've slept with, and so on and so forth. Therefore, even if you've slept with just one person but they've slept with two, you're a dirty whore. Tough one.

2004-05-02T18:18:00.000-04:00

With Walk on Water Action!

It is surprising that it took so long, but finally someone with access to the Internet has made a Jesus Christ Action Figure mock-commercial, likely to goof on America's obsession with Jesus as of late. Watch it here, you Jesus freaks.

And in God-related news, if you liked Office Space, hate porn and love God, check out this short film from Project God.com. Sure, I know the chances of someone reading this and sharing the aforementioned interests is slim, but watching someone destroy a piece of machinery in a fit of rage is always entertaining. And maybe, just maybe, you might never look at porn again. Thank God for that.

2004-05-01T12:22:00.000-04:00

Eu Aprovo!

Proving that the Internet can truly bring together New Englanders and people from Mundo Maravilhoso de Fucky, Tanzania, (seriously, that's a real place), someone was looking at the fotolog, and said "Eu Aprovo!" linking me to their site, appropriately entitled Eu Aprovo! It was here that I found this...

Who says the internet isn't a beautiful thing?

2004-04-30T16:21:00.000-04:00

Father supports coffin photos

This, from Salon.com. I copied and pasted it here, because Salon requires a paid membership to read. It's a letter written by Bill Mitchell, father of a soldier who died in Iraq on April 4, to Hal Bernton, the Seattle Times reporter who wrote the article that accompanied the now-famous coffin photos.

The text of his letter follows:

Dear Hal --

I read with great interest your article regarding the woman who was fired for taking the pictures of the flag-draped coffins on 4/7/04. My son, SSG Michael W. Mitchell, was killed on 4/4/04 in the first day of the Shiite uprising in Sadr City. He was one of eight soldiers killed that day in that attack. I am quite positive that he was inside one of those coffins in the picture.

I am happy that you ran the story and showed the picture. I would like everyone to know the devastation that this event has brought upon Mike's family and friends. In fact, Mike's grandpa at 86 says that this is the worst thing that has happened in his entire life -- that says a lot right there!!!

Hiding the death and destruction of this war does not make it easier on anyone except those who want to keep the truth away from the people. I know that the current government policy has the bodies being flown in under the cloak of darkness. I also know that photographers are barred from the area so that pictures such as the one you ran in your newspaper cannot be shown to the people. Pictures such as these alter peoples' perception and awareness and they have to admit the reality of the situation that young men and women are being killed.

I do believe our government learned this lesson from the war in Vietnam and that was one of the influential factors in bringing about its end. Things are getting worse in Iraq and if there is anything that I can do so that other parents can be spared the pain that is happening in my life, I will do it.

In fact, I would be willing to furnish you a picture of my son in his casket if you would like to run it in your paper. Sort of a follow-up story that would just take it one step further than the picture shown inside the airplane with a bunch of anonymous flag-draped coffins. I don't think I can be fired, as I do not have a job!!! I am currently in Germany taking care of my son's fiancee because officially, she is not recognized by the U.S. Army even though she was the reason that he re-enlisted twice; the last time being just 3 weeks prior to his death.

Hal -- I am just full of stories and if you and your newspaper are interested, just let me know.

Sincerely,
Bill Mitchell
Atascadero, CA

2004-04-30T14:56:00.000-04:00

Another movie? They haven’t even lost yet

Now that “Still, We Believe: The Boston Red Sox Movie” is embarrassing hard core Sox fans everywhere, check out Boston.com’s casting call for the 2004 movie, “2004 Boston Red Sox: Magic of the Mullet,” sure to be an instant classic. If this movie is really in preproduction as is suggested, I am leaving town for good. In the meantime, I did get some yucks off of which Hollywood celebs Globe readers would pick to play their favorite Red Sox players. Especially Morgan Freeman as Ellis Burks and Chuck Norris as Jason Varitek.

Always here to help, I’ve come up with a few past and present players, and even some of those scrappy sports hacks, and matched them with their Hollywood counterparts. (This comes after my extensive career of directing casting calls for major motion pictures such as Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead, Mr. Mom, Porky’s Revenge, and 2003’s, Radio, based on a truly moving true story) :

Dave Chappelle as Pokey Reese

Beau Bridges as Grady Little

Charlie Sheen as Lou Merloni

Kevin Kline as Wade Boggs

John Goodman as Bob Ryan

Of course, in giving props to many former players, managers, etc., my movie would be called:

"The 1918-Present Boston Red Sox: Still, Dan Shaughnessy Makes Three Dollars Every Time Someone in Boston Says 'Curse'"

2004-04-29T19:06:00.000-04:00

Fore, bitches, fore

If I was a golfer, and a gangsta, (which I think is an impossible combination), this would be my ride.

2004-04-29T09:44:00.000-04:00

What’s new with Loomis/Beckham says, "Hell no, Quattro!"

Proving that the hundreds of millions he makes annually off his deal with Adidas just isn’t enough scratch to keep infidelity rumors under wraps, Gillette today reported that much like in his bending, millions will shave it like Beckham. The exact amount of cash Beckham, and his New England counterpart Tom Brady, will make off their respective deals is as yet undisclosed, but I can rest assured that the 35 dollars I already pay for replacement razors should be feeling the effects of Beckham-induced inflation soon enough.

More on the deal here.

Children as far east as Tokyo will nick their chins like Beckham.

When there is word of Becks, Loom cannot be far behind. Here’s the latest from our older-woman-loving, constantly-bending-it Chicago correspondent:

So I had a buddy from home and my brother surprise visit me this past weekend for my 23rd birthday. As it turns out my brother got granted early departure from the Peace Corps from Washington and is “job hunting” in Connecticut. Attempting to convince him to move to the Windy City involved two Cubs games, two All-You-Can-Drink specials (including a Miami-fest at a bar to also celebrate Ganote and Rotta’s B-Days), trying to avoid the inevitable Story-of-the-Year (which involved Tucker hooking up with the top three ugliest girls I’ve ever laid eyes on. ‘Burn your retinas’ –type ugly), and meeting an older voluptuous Russian with the reddest lipstick I’ve ever seen at a nearby lounge. All in all it was a great weekend, which involved both the Cubbies and BoSox sweeping, and Beckham flirting with transferring back to the English Premiership to play for Chelsea along with Ronaldo. I will never be confused with the ever-changing Becks, but for those who do a fair job at attempting, visit "The Beckhams". That’s all from the Windy…

2004-04-26T12:04:00.000-04:00

There’s nothing more refreshing than a good old fashioned Rocky Mountain cross burning

From the Beverage News file (the subscription is free, but the benefits are endlessly thirst quenchable), a report that the New York Times made a huge whoopsie in mis-representing GOP Senate candidate and Coors CEO Pete Coors as a Ku Klux Klan member who murdered a black sharecropper. Of course this image of Coors does not mesh well with the one beer lovers everywhere have of him answering stupid questions from the hills of the Rockies to guys in bars miles away in the latest “Did You Know” ad campaign from the Beer magnate.

The Coors campaign found the error "so outrageous it's kind of funny," said spokeswoman Cinamon Watson. "It could have been worse," she joked. "Pete could have been identified as John Kerry."

Choosing to deflect New York Times libel with good old fashioned political slander, Cinamon proves that she should be out of a job shortly. But don’t worry, Cinamon – there’ll be plenty of Coors to drink when the times get tough.

2004-04-25T18:49:00.000-04:00

Easy James Joyce

The 2004 James Joyce Ramble was once again a huge success. Get the photos here.

2004-04-24T13:08:00.000-04:00

I know, I know. I'm rambling

Check out tomorrow's James Joyce Ramble, "where the prose greets the road," in Dedham, Mass. 3,000 runners and a crowd of nearly 20,000 will flock to the historic Endicott Estate to engage in a six mile literary race event. Dotting the race course will be professional actors dressed in period costume and reading the work of James Joyce to keep the runners inspired, all for a giant cause.

You can find me at the T-shirt table, flogging last year's threads for premium prices.

2004-04-24T12:25:00.000-04:00

Giving credence to Uncle Kracker-haters everywhere

You know it, I know it,
Blender knows it: Uncle
Kracker sucks.

Uncle Kracker's "Follow Me" comes in at 43 on the 50 Worst Songs Ever! list in May's Blender. Check out this teaser list, which includes Bitch-titted Meatloaf's “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” and Color Me Badd's “I Wanna Sex You Up”.

You need to buy the magazine to peep the other 40 worst songs ever, but thanks to today's Globe I can tell you that Starship's "We Built This City" is the number one worst song ever recorded.

"The outpouring of bile against this song was amazing," Blender editor Craig Marks said. "A few people claimed to be able to scientifically prove that `We Built This City' is the worst song ever. It really felt like we'd hit a nerve in the collective unconscious."

I am downloading "We Built This City" as we speak, just to see what an 'outpouring of bile' looks like.

2004-04-24T12:13:00.000-04:00

You snooze you win

College students everywhere are enjoying one more Yager-bomb on a Thursday night this week as Duke University lowers the chinbar and drops 8 am classes off the schedule roster. Because college kids have it so hard.

Duke University is eliminating 8 a.m. classes and trying to come up with other ways help its sleep-deprived students, who too often are struggling to survive on a mix of caffeine, adrenaline and ambition.

Well, I don't know about Duke kids, but where I went there was a whole lot of other stuff keeping us awake. Narcotics, opiates, inhalants, sharpies, etc. I kid. Or do I? Clearly, I turned out fine.

2004-04-24T11:58:00.000-04:00

Meet and greet, emphasis on the meat

I stole the above punchline from Iain at work, but I just couldn't resist after hearing that the Lobos of the University of New Mexico are recruiting a live wolf to be their newest mascot.

"There are a lot of things we would need to look at, primarily safety -- the animal's safety and the fans' safety," said Joe Weiss, an assistant athletic director.

People, didn't we learn something from the Sigfried and Roy debacle? As Chris Rock so wisely proclaimed, "That tiger didn't go crazy. That tiger went tiger."

Seems the next step is to see how the wolf interacts with people in a meet in greet, "if a wolf can actually meet and greet."

Joe, I'm no Safari Planet host Brian Fellows, but I can assure you that wolves do not do meet and greets.

Go Lobos!

2004-04-23T10:10:00.000-04:00

The Queen and the City

That's a huge ship.

2004-04-22T21:56:00.000-04:00

Kentucky Fried Museum

The first KFC ever built was torn down this week. In its place will go a new restaurant, and of course a museum...so that Americans of the future can discover how they got so fat.

Which brings me to the new KFC tagline: KFC What's Cookin!

I don't know if its just me, but every time I hear it I think to myself, "Come Fuckin' See What's Cooking!" which gives me that kitchen-fresh feel everytime.

2004-04-22T21:18:00.000-04:00

Oh Yes, Wyoming?

Proving that a Superman/Seinfeld duo is hiiiiilllarious, Jerry Seinfeld and Patrick Warburton's voice did just that in a new American Express film type thing. The commercial type film thing lasts for five minutes, was shot like a movie, is only available online and is a commercial for AmEx, which to a marketer such as yours truly is downright preposterous. Nonetheless, its still entertaining, especially when the duo are eating at a diner and Superman wipes mayo off his face with his cape.

"Napkin?" says Seinfeld.

"Why?" replies Superman. "It's impervious to stain."

Read about it here and then watch it here.

2004-04-22T11:38:00.000-04:00

Lessons learned this week:

1.Cohen from the OC really is a huge wuss. Strap on some balls and tell your girlfriend’s dad to screw.

2. When the President of the company is in Nice, go to the driving range as much as possible.

3. When a friend from the past gets married, send them a nice gift. (But don’t expect to see him ever again, except perhaps at your bachelor party, desperately stuck in a pre-midlife crisis).

4. John Kerry is a bad ass (see post from Wednesday).

5. When your parents are in Martha’s Vineyard (and you still live with them), don’t leave the front door open when you leave for work in the morning.

6. Trash day is one day later this week due to this past Monday’s Patriots Day observation.

7. You really should drink Johnny Walker.

8. Patriots Day is a fake holiday, but one on which many Bostonians gas beers.

9. Kenyans own you.

10. The Boston Red Sox will win it all this year. (Ha ha, just kidding. They won’t.)

11. If you go to Wellesley College, oh crap.

12. 420 went by without one wise crack from some jackass I'd probably hate anyway, proving once again that I am getting old. (I wouldn't have laughed or cared either way probably.) Get some 420 yucks here.

2004-04-21T12:54:00.000-04:00

John Kerry goes Staff Sgt. Bob Barnes in Vietnam

Think John Kerry is soft on foreign affairs? Think again. While GW was smoking bowls and gassing Beasts, Johnny was busy capping 20 Vietnam dudes overseas, "unnofficially."

2004-04-21T09:27:00.000-04:00

Frist chokes on the asbestos bill

You’d think by now that the G.O.P. would avoid having their name printed alongside Halliburton at all costs. You’d think a man whose office was the subject of a supposed anthrax attack would have some heart when it comes to harmful airborne inhalants. You’d think. You thought wrong, as Bill Frist desperately tries to push an asbestos victim-consolation bill that would drastically under-provide for victims seeking monetary settlements for health problems and even deaths due to careless and thoughtless construction techniques that cut costs and cut short lives.

Find out more.

2004-04-19T23:03:00.000-04:00

I own you chicken

When I told him to do a cartwheel and then punch himself, he was very complacent. When I suggested, "Walk into a wall," he was perfectly happy to oblige. But when I said, "Break the TV," he stood still, and raised his wings and scratched his head when I commanded, "Trip over the chair."

Find out what I mean at Subservient Chicken, a brilliant new Burger King-sponsored website. The Chicken will do whatever you tell him to do, and even if he doesn't, it sure beats work.

2004-04-19T17:09:00.001-04:00

If life was a marathon, you'd work for a Kenyan

On what was a big day for Boston sports and the Timlin family, the Sox came back from a 4 to 1 deficit to beat the Yankees, giving Mike Timlin the win. (Related: check out YANKEESFAN vs. REDSOXFAN.) Meanwhile, Timlin's wife was running the Boston Marathon, won by Timothy Cherigat at 2:10:37 and Catherine Ndereba at 2:24:27. Tonight, they, like me, will watch the Bruins face off against the Canadians eh in a Game 7 at the Fleet Center.

For those of you not all that familiar with the spectacle that is the Boston Marathon, picture huge throngs of people moving through the streets in running shorts, fire hydrants and sprinklers blasting water into the air, and supporters, fans and people-watchers alike perched in window-sills, lawn chairs and roofs, cheering on thousands of marathoners. In fact, unless you're running in it, its like one big block party. For more, here's Bill Simmons' April 21, 2003 Idiot's Guide to the Boston Marathon.

Earlier in the week, ESPN's Page 2 ran a great summary of baseball hair, directly inspired by Johnny Damon's new Jesus look. Me, I would've taken Oscar Gamble, based both on his baseball talent and his likeness to Luda.

2004-04-14T14:03:00.000-04:00

My chickens need a home.

Finally, there is a place where I can go to buy a home for my chickens.

I am happy to report that UK-based Omlet has just rolled out the Eglu, “the world's most stylish and innovative chicken house," which also happens to be "the perfect way to keep chickens as pets.”

Again, as I stated before. Finally.

When I was a youngster I used to poke wild turkeys in my neighborhood with sticks. Now I can do pretty much the same thing, except with chickens, as my pets, living in my new Eglu.

2004-04-11T22:22:00.000-04:00

I have a fotolog

I started a fotolog. A fotolog is a place where I can publish any digital pics I take and while it's pretty basic, I'll try to upload a new photo every day. Get "the butter" here. (P.S. Check out my profile and post a comment. Do it do it.)

2004-04-10T02:35:00.000-04:00

On the streets yo

From this point forward my name will be Big Playah C. Quick. Let it be known that Big Playah C. Quick will be runnin' things around here and yes, Big Playah C. Quick owns you. So get used to it, you sorry sacks of shit. Fine, so I needed a pimp name generator to come up with Big Playah C. Quick as my new street name. Get your own here.

2004-04-10T02:24:00.000-04:00

A brainteaser for obsessive-compulsive types

Try this. My bet is you can't solve it. The record is 44 moves. Give it a try.

2004-04-09T20:11:00.000-04:00

Mmmm. Balloon

Nothing that is worth doing can be
achieved in our lifetime; therefore we
must be saved by hope. Nothing
which is true or beautiful or good
makes complete sense in any
immediate context of history;
therefore we must be saved by
faith. Nothing we do, however
virtuous, can be accomplished
alone; therefore we must be
saved by love.

- Reinhold Niebuhr

2004-04-03T15:19:00.002-05:00

I'm taking the week off

Hello loyal readers. Since I will be away in Phoenix, AZ this coming week (my first business trip at the new gig), I will not be posting to this site until at least Friday, April 12. I will be attending a Computerworld conference for IT storage professionals, where I will manage the press room, and I at least hope to get in a few rounds of golf (on one of what appears to be 15 courses within five miles' distance of my hotel) or perhaps roam around in the desert for a little while and maybe take a picture of a cactus. Possible highlight: the conference site, the JW Marriot Desert Ridge Resort, is so decadent that it has its own Tyco Executive Suite.

The Faldo course at the Desert Ridge

I know, I know. You're thinking, what am I going to do without my daily dose of cblueval.blogspot.com? Fret not faithful folk, for I have composed a list of blogs for you to read in the meantime. In fact, one might assess that without these people, this web-log would be dearth for material. Ergo, here's a diversified list on a variety of topics, (and you can assemble your own list for easy viewing at bloglines):

• Bunsen
• Matt Drudge
• Seth Godin
• Gawker
• The Morning News
• Radosh
• Jason Kottke
• Daily Kos
• Gothamist
• Dan Gillmor
• Boing Boing
• It’s a Crock!
• The Minor Fall, The Major Lift
• Gizmodo
• Eurotrash
• Stereogum

For further perusal, Kinja is now open for business, so give that a shot.

If you find something you like, and would like to see it here in the future, let me know. Cheers.

Wait, there's one more thing. Since I won't be taking any jabs at G Dubs for a whole week, here's one more for good measure.

2004-04-01T21:53:00.000-05:00

Tell your co-workers you're insane and they'll stop bothering you

This blog needs a pick me up.

After my recent posts on media indecency and dead Americans hanging from bridges, my vastly limited audience is surely gasping for a much needed fresh breath of off-color humored air. So hear goes nuthin' you sorry sonsabitches. You'll be laughing so hard, passers-by will stop and stare. And then you will kick them in the grundle. That will send them packing.

I know you all love those preciously insecure and strangely well-written craigslist users, so here's a recent post of note that's just plain ridiculous. This fella in Chicago really hates his fuck-all job:

Since then, it's been "trending down". Instead of interesting,
funny and brilliant team players, I see my coworkers as a
pack of fuck-eyed ass monkeys trolling for bagels
and a 90 minute lunch. They duck work like the Republican
Guard around here. Instead of an inspired leadership, I see the
managers as a boatload of cackling seagulls who smell of shit and
are typically way too far above head to do anything useful, except
maybe write a scathing memo once in a while. My office is the fucking
Death Star. I can feel the life being sucked out of me, honestly.
I think this is called burnout, but I can't be sure. I'm working
too many hours to spend time researching what that
means. If I start thinking about buying a gun, I'll look it up. In the
meantime, somebody has to update the client while the ass monkeys
all go to Nick and Tony's for the third time this week. My secretary likes
me, but that's just bad. I desperately want to fuck her silly, but can't for
more reasons than I can possibly think of. Top 2 - her boyfriend
is LARGE, and my girlfriend is great. Every time she comes in my office to
"talk", I fain total concentration on something else and tell her I'm busy.

Read more.

Then this, from an un-assuming crack-whore who recently spent some time in the can:

Just a warm-hearted thank you to the lovely men and women who came
together in peace and goodwill to show me the true spirit of the law and
those that choose to serve it.

First, when I asked you to clarify my rights and you said, "That's it,
you're going to jail, bitch," I felt fuzzy and warm inside. There was a
little bit of poetry in the way you said it; it made me feel safe, like I
was in good hands, Allstate style.

Here's more.

There is a lesson here: Whether its in the form of passive agression or outright slander, there is a lot of anger out there on the streets, yo. And this disgruntlement will find itself on the internet, aimed at strangers. And people like me will find it. And people like you will read it.

2004-04-01T21:02:00.000-05:00

Hates Tivo, loves commercials

Jack Myers, media industry giant, avid supporter of parental controls and staunch foe of Tivo for its ability to cut advertising completely out of the picture, believes that the government is stepping well beyond the fringe of sanity in its recent indecency witch-hunt. Below is a segment from his call to advertisers to wake up and purge from the public opinion the idea that media is "an enemy of morality, decency and justice."

As responsible and conscientious executives in the media, advertising
and entertainment industries, we have a responsibility to protect our investments.
The amount of advertiser dollars invested in building the media industry and the
public good will toward media is in the trillions, even the quadrillions. The
government is seeking to drive a stake into the relationships between media
and consumers. Politics is shifting the focus of the public's perception of media
from a friendly source of news, information and entertainment to a perception
of media as an enemy of morality, decency and justice. Is this an acceptable
environment for advertisers? If advertisers fail to voice their support for
broadcasters in the current environment and protest unjust attacks on the
networks' inherent sense of morality and decency, they become tacit allies of
those who would destroy the media.

More from the Myers front here.

2004-04-01T20:12:00.000-05:00

How many words is this picture worth?

Not since September 11 can I remember images of tragedy as startling and disturbing as those on the front page of nearly every major daily this morning. Four American civilians were shot to death and then their bodies were burned, poked at with sticks and shovels and hung from a bridge. And every American who sat down to read the newspaper this morning witnessed it second hand; the millions who saw the video version on the news last night notwithstanding. Such savage behavior can only be displayed by a faction of oppressed people, and has not occurred on American occupied foreign soil since the Blackhawk went down over Mogadishu.

This afternoon, I surveyed a spread of papers at the office, which included the New York Times, the Boston Globe, the Boston Herald, USA Today, Investor’s Business Daily, and the Wall Street Journal. Each had a similar photo and the headlines varied from “SAVAGES” to “Brutality, cheers in Iraq.” A number of thoughts ran through my head nearly instantaneously, and I am trying to recapture them here:

What are we doing there in the first place…why shouldn’t we just pull our boys out and let those savages rot…

does George W. Bush read the paper?

(No, of course he doesn’t: he likes to get his news from a “trusted” circle of confidants.)

Was Vietnam like this?

There are children in these photos, celebrating the brutal death of four Americans: so this is the thanks we get for liberating their country?

Does the fall of Saddam represent the beginning of the end for Al-Qaeda, or does it mark the beginning of an era of even greater hatred/wretchedness than that of 9/11?

It is events like that which took place in Falluja that implore me to sit down and wonder why some Americans, especially young Americans, can be so apathetic when it comes to politics and the general state of affairs of the world at large. Four state-side families are mourning the deaths of enterprising American civilians, trying to make a few dollars in the Iraqi market, and it is their purely capitalistic interests and that of their nation that got them killed. That said, I can’t say I disagree at times with the right-wing war mongers who endorse the notion that nation-states like Iraq need to be wiped off the map and that the terrorist factions and those governments which support them be sought out and destroyed. Then maybe the true criminals would be hanging from the bridges of their motherland.

(But then I am REMINDED once again that such action is both rash and unguided, and will cause an even more despicable reaction, and this endless chain of bloodshed will only continue, and I fear that the American nation as a victim shall be worse-feared than it is today at this moment, and that our enemies will be more hateful of us than ever.)

What then is the solution? What fixes all this? I can draw no conlusions at this time.

So, when something like this happens I throw caution to the wind and spout out the above testimonial and hope that you take it for what its worth and not a penny more.

2004-03-31T20:39:00.000-05:00

For when Windows sucks, which is pretty much a lot

If you appreciate design, you'll enjoy applele.com, a Japanese guy's tribute to Apple products. Isamu Sanada designs product prototypes as a hobby. Some hobby. And I'm sure Steve Jobs is one of his biggest fans.

Thanks to Seth Godin.